Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"I Can't Say It"


Time for another Blog Fest! (It’s short – I promise!)

This one is from Shelley Sly: http://storiesintheordinary.blogspot.com/


My entry is an excerpt from my YA fantasy The Disappearances, right after the scene from Adam’s perspective that I posted for another Blog Fest on May 12th*. There’s also a previous post fromApril 2nd that has an older version of the first couple of pages of the manuscript**.


Enjoy!


I shook my head as my brothers bickered about the distribution of wealth in the front seat of the car. Truthfully, I was glad for the distraction. Having Adam angry with me and not being sure how I felt about Brad made me anxious about going to school.

“Why don’t you guys give it a rest,” I complained.

“You know, Eve, you can jump in and have an opinion for once,” Alex snapped at me. “Instead of just judging others.”

“I have opinions! But I don’t want to be shouted down by you and Fidelix. You’re both impossible!”

“At least we know what we want from our lives. We know what we stand for. What do you stand for?” Alex sounded as harsh as he looked.

“Give her a break. She’s younger than us.” Fidelix smiled at me.

I scowled in return. “I’m not too young to have opinions.”

“Please share them,” Alex said, as he reclined and leaned against the window with his hands behind his head, like he had all the time in the world.

I realized we were parked at the school. There were two choices, split without saying something or staying and arguing. I glanced at Fidelix for a way out, but he waited to hear from me too.

“So, what do you think about all of the McDonalds disappearing?” Alex leaned toward me with a serious face.

They never took me seriously. “I, I think it’s a message, but I’m not sure who it’s from or why, exactly.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “That’s a lot to go on.”

Fidelix turned to Alex. “Give her a chance. You’re always jumping down her throat.”

“Because she has nothing to say.”

“That’s not fair.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I’ve seen things. I know things.”

Both boys perked up. “What do you know?” Fidelix said.

I hesitated. “Adam and I have been investigating. At first, it was his idea. We were about to make a breakthrough, but….”

“But what?” they asked in unison.

“But... now he’s not speaking to me.” I was surprised about how upset I sounded.

“What kind of breakthrough?” Alex asked. “What happened between you and Adam?” Fidelix asked at the same time.

“I can’t explain. I shouldn’t say. Forget it.” I fumbled for my backpack and rushed out of the car, without looking back.


Here are the other entrants if you want to check them out:

1. Shelley Sly

2. S.E. Sinkhorn

3. Marsha Sigman

4. Guinevere (This Is Not My Day Job)

5. T.J. Carson

6. E. Elle

7. J Leigh Bailey

8. Tessa

9. Nicole Murray

10. Stephanie McGee

11. Theresa Milstein

12. Nicole Murray

13. February Grace

14. Donna Hole

15. Olivia Herrell

16. L' Aussie Denise

17. Writers Block NZ

18. Dawn Embers

19. Izzy G.

20. Erin Kane Spock

21. Angela A

22. L. Hild


*Excerpt from Adam’s perspective:

http://theresamilstein.blogspot.com/2010/05/internal-conflict-blog-fest.html


** The beginning of The Disappearances (earlier version):

http://theresamilstein.blogspot.com/2010/04/dreaded-edit.html


43 comments:

  1. Cooool!! You know, I'd never heard of a blogfest 'til now. What a grand idea.. Love your story by the way. I want to know what happens next ... WHY did the McDonalds disappear and where did you come up with the name Fidelix?

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  2. You're so brave to put your writing up here! I need guts like you :)

    I'm so intrigued to see where you're taking these disappearing walmarts and mcdonalds! I really like the tension between her and her brothers. Bravo!!

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  3. This is a great entry! I love it when she says, "I'm not too young to have opinions!" Ha!

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  4. I haven't read your other entry, but I do like the tension in this one and the ending is good. Leaves the reader wanting to know more.

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  5. Woa woman! This grabbed me by the neck, loved it!

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  6. What a great Blog Fest idea! I love the way you make "not saying" something actually say so much. Body language and a few words go a long way. And the disappearing McDonalds idea, great twist!

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  7. @ Clutterbug, Alex was inspired by Alex Keaton from the TV show "Family Ties". Fidelix was inspired by a student I knew in high school whose political philosophy seemed pretty communist to me. So I played around with Communist leaders' names. I liked that Fidelix rhymed with Alex. Many parents of twins make their children's names rhyme.

    Hopefully this manuscript will get me an agent soon, and then you'll know why Walmart and MCDonalds stores disappear.

    @ MBW, thanks for the compliment. You won Tahereh's bestie contest so you SHOULD put your writing out there!

    @ Aubrie, thank you for helping me make my manuscript as strong as it is.

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  8. @ Crimey, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    @ Clara, thanks! I love writing dialogue. And Eve's brothers were so much fun to write.

    @ Joanne, telling me my "not saying" said so much is a huge compliment. Thanks!

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  9. I love this scene, Theresa! This really makes me want to read more! I know I've read a few excerpts of this story on your blog here and there, and I wish you the best of luck finding an agent so I can read the whole thing!

    Love the bantering, and the name Fidelix. I'm a sucker for interesting names.

    Thanks so much for participating in the blog fest, and for linking me!

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  10. Great scene! You really caught the dynamics between them, here!

    ps. I like the name Fidelix, too!

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  11. @ Shelley, it's cool so many people like the name Fidelix. Thanks for the nice words. This was a great ideas for a blog fest!

    @ Tessa, I'm glad you like the dynamics. Eve's arguments with her brothers, and increasing savvy mirrors her development. (She becomes muchier over time.)

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  12. Oooh Theresa - please get rid of the apostrophe in brother's! :-) Your first sentence!!

    Sorry - it was bugging me, sorry!

    But this is a fab snippet for the blogfest - I love the conflicts here - there is the big issue of the macdonalds disappearing and the rift between Adam and Eve and the personality clashes between Eve and her brothers. :-)

    Love it!!

    take care
    x

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  13. Theresa, first thanks so much for your kind comments about my book! And great story! And love the name Fidelix:)

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  14. Nice! I think she's going to know a whole lot more than the others expect! :)

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  15. @ Old Kitty, how did that get missed by me and other readers?! I fixed it. Thanks!

    @ Elana, thank you.

    @ Olive, we both have environmental themes. How cool are we?

    @ Jemi, I think you may be right!

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  16. Great excerpt, Theresa. I like the MC attitude!

    I also want to know more - where have those McDonalds disappeared to?

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  17. OMG! I had to go look up more stuff on this because my teen daughter (we're reading the blogfest together today and enjoying it immensely)and I wanted to know if it was McDonalds the restaurant or the McDonalds as in a family.

    Then I said to her, "whoa, the Walmart disappeared!"

    and she said "Ha ha!" (a'la Nelson Muntz) "Take that, Walmart!"

    We are SO completely intrigued by this. We were scrolling at the end to see more and she said to me "You mean that's ALL there IS?!"

    I mean- wow. Seriously.

    I loved the detail that you put into the interaction too- my favorite bit:

    “Please share them,” Alex said, as he reclined and leaned against the window with his hands behind his head, like he had all the time in the world.

    See, it's that tiny bit of detail-'like he had all the time in the world' that makes it truly live for me as a reader.

    love, love, love this.

    bru

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  18. wow, a powerful scene theresa! thanks so much for sharing!!

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  19. All the McDonald's disappeared? Interesting! Now I'm curious. Fidelix is a very unique name; I don't believe I've heard it before. He's kind of a butthead, isn't he? Haha :D

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  20. awesome voice girl! That was a blast, thanx!

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  21. @ Talli, that is the question. Let's hope I get a chance to publish it so you can find out!

    @ February Grace (Bru), I'm glad your teen daughter liked it because she's my target audience.

    Thank you so much for your nice words.

    @ Tahereh, thank you. I'm glad you thought it was powerful.

    @ Maybe Genius, both of the brothers are buttheads, but they have their redeeming qualities too.

    @ T. Anne, thanks!

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  22. Interesting. There is a great sense of dynamics between the characters and the end hinted at something that I would be curious to know more about. I was confused at first. Is she in the front seat? Or is one brother driving and the other in the front seat? Or the less likely scenario: are the two boys sharing the front seat? Just a small level of confusion due to how the particular scene begins. Other than that, great entry.

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  23. I loved the banter and the way you portrayed the characters age. Nicely done!

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  24. @ Dawn, I see what you mean about the confusion. Earlier in the manuscript, it's established that the brothers always sit in the front. I should've changed it for the post. Now I've changed it in the manuscript just in case.

    @ WritersBlockNZ, thank you for the compliment.

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  25. Great piece, Theresa, now we all need to know where the McDonalds have gone, great banter between the kids, have you been in my car?

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  26. Oh my gosh seriously this blogfest looked like so much fun!!! Too bad I didn't join in! I need to pay better attention!

    Yours was fantastic, then again I've always loved your writing so really no surprise!

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  27. Two words for you: LOVED IT!! Great job! Looks like such a fun blogfest to take part in.

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  28. I want to know what happened between her and Adam and what the breakthrough was!!!!! Wow, this is the first excerpt I've read of your. It flows so naturally....and-I want to know! Oh, I know (I know) how you feel about them, but I got something over on my blog for you....

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  29. @ Brigid, I haven't been in your car but I've been in MY car!

    @ Jen, you're so sweet. I'm doing a Word Painting Blogfest at the end of August. It's on my sidebar. You should sign up.

    @ Kimberly, thank you!

    @ The Words Crafter, I'm glad you're curious about the manuscript. I hope agents feel the same way.

    I'm heading over to your blog now.

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  30. Wow, you're a very talented writer!! Dialogue is so difficult to write but you have done it naturally and incorporating the best blend of facial expressions, tones, and overall action.

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  31. Good entry! I like the interaction between the characters with their banter.

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  32. This is a great excerpt - I really liked it!

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  33. Okay, really - what happened to all the McDonald's? Haha your excerpt really grabbed my interest. Nice work!

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  34. What a great concept: the missing McDonalds and Walmarts. I love clever. Great writing.

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  35. @ Saumya, thank you very much!

    @ Barbra, thank you. I'll keep this in mind when I get my critique today.

    @ Amanda, I'm glad you liked the banter.

    @WritingNut, thanks!

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  36. @ L. Hild, it's good to hear my writing grabbed your interest.

    @ Medeia, thanks for the compliment.

    @ Missed Periods, I'm happy you like the concept.

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  37. McDonald's and Walmart disapeared? It must be aliens.

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  38. No more McDonald's? How will eat on the fly?

    Oh my, You have got to tell me what is happening to my favorite fast food restaurant!

    Sorry I'm so late for this; I've been busy and blogger and sometimes Mr Linkey - has not cooperated for me for comments in the past few days.

    I also read your latest two posts, and all I can say is: you're an inspiring person Theresa. A true friend to those you care about. Thanks for sharing.

    ......dhole

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  39. @ Donna, I'm glad you visited. Thanks for reading my posts. And thank you for the nice words.

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