Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Last Chance

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live."

- Flora Whittemore


This morning I received a call to sub at my old school. In previous posts I’ve talked about how trying it can be because I worked there so many years, and the class I left last spring was one of my favorites. The job was to teach sixth-grade Science, so I’d have my former students all day. Bittersweet.

By the time first period began, word had already gotten out I was there. As the students filed in, all but one (it’s always the same one, and I can tell he wants to but he’s embarrassed so I always pat his back) hugged me. Even a girl who never had me as her teacher said, “I’m hugging you too because my friends like you.”

Each class had to watch a PBS video called “Design Squad”, answer questions, and compare the designs with ones they’ve made this year. Instead of sitting at the desk in the corner, I decided to sit at one of the tables with the students. One of my biggest writing cheerleaders asked me to sit with her.


When I first wrote my manuscript Indigo in the Know, I asked the librarian to look it over and give me advice. From then on, it wasn’t a secret anymore. (Then everyone knew not only that I couldn’t get a job, but also that I couldn’t get published.) The last teacher I worked with mentioned my writing to the students, who wanted to hear what I’d written. Here and there, I read my manuscript aloud, but resigned before I’d finished. When I gave notice, one student, bitten by the Twilight series bug and an avid reader, asked if she could take the rest of the manuscript home. She read it in one night. After that, she requested more. I gave her a recently finished a rough draft of The Disappearances. She read it over a weekend.


If I spent more time with her, she could be my muse/taskmaster. Today, after barraging me with questions, she asked me to bring a manuscript copy. I told her I probably couldn’t. First she was crestfallen, but then asked, “What if I give you my e-mail? Will you e-mail me your manuscript?” I thought about it. It would be good to get her take on my teen voice since she’s just a teen herself. I acquiesced.

Each class went well, seeing old students and meeting new ones. A fourth-grade class also came in the room. The teacher gave me a new video and book from PBS called “A Place at the Table: A Struggle for Equality in America” so I can use it when I have my own classroom.


My own classroom.


I have two big boxes filled with books and stuff for my someday classroom. Some of it is left from my old assistant desk. Some of it I buy for when I do.


During a break, I applied online for a job. For the last couple of months, there have been more jobs, which gives me hope. No calls for an interview yet, but maybe the reason is they’re waiting to interview in the summer. The teacher I worked for today got laid off for this fall, so that makes me less optimistic about job prospects overall. If experienced teachers are losing jobs, where does that leave me?

It’s hard to come back to this school and admit nothing about my career has changed. Yesterday and today, I’ve run into two subs I’m acquainted with and we talked about sub things. It’s who I am. The sub line is becoming automated in the fall, and I discussed it with them as if I’ll be getting those calls too. It’s easier to talk to those subs because I’m not embarrassed I’m still a sub, unlike in conversations with my former coworkers. At least that’s what I tell myself.


Last week, Beth Revis wrote a moving series of four posts, chronicling her writing and teaching life. In it, she wrote this:


“You tell yourself: you can be a teacher and a writer at the same time, and you pray for nights on end that is the truth.”

“You’ve come to understand that you can be a teacher and a writer at the same time, but you can’t be good at both at the same time.”*


When I read this line, it made me pause. What if I can’t do both? What if writing is stopping me from teaching? What if subbing is stopping me from writing? Really writing?

Beth mentioned she got nationally certified. Should I do that? What should I do? I hate asking myself these questions, but to ignore them is to stay stuck.

So I’ve made a decision to work on national certification. And this summer, I’ll write and edit my heart out, in between family visits and children’s activities. This may be last summer. If it’s not my last summer before work, it’s my last summer before taking a class. Last chance.


Throughout the day, the girl kept making sure I hadn’t lost her e-mail address. I promised her I hadn’t.

After teaching and catching up with teachers, I walked to my car. As a bus pulled away, a student yelled, “Bye, Ms Milstein!” and waved out the window.

Why I have this effect on this group when I come in, I don’t know. I worked there part-time, teaching two classes: Word Study and Social Studies. When after sending out my resume, cover letter, and letters of recommendation, I don’t get called for interviews, I feel like I’m not good enough. I question why I didn't look for a job after student teaching. Then I’m with these students and I think, I connected. I taught them something that stayed with them. I am a good teacher.

By next year, our ties will loosen. They’ll be in seventh-grade, and in “that” stage. But I’ll remember.

During lunch when I spoke with the other sub, I told her what I disliked about subbing, more than the early calls, more than the uncertainty, more than teaching classes I’m not fond of, “I miss the relationships with the students.”


When I decided to become a teacher, I didn’t realize I wanted to write. When I began to write, I thought I had plenty of time to figure it out before I looked for a full-time job. Now that I’m looking for a full-time job, I’m frustrated because I haven’t found one, and I’m worried about finding time to write.

I’m just another writer trying to balance a paying job with a dream.


*From 06/08 and 06/10/10 posts:

http://bethrevis.blogspot.com/


46 comments:

  1. Just wanted to pop over here real quick and let you know you have an award on my blog. :)

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  2. That girl who wants to read your ms is your demographic. So don't ever forget that. Write for her.

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  3. That's so nice that you have a student willing to read your writing! I have one like that as well and she's so supportive of me.

    Last chance sounds so final. You can write your whole life. It may not go as fast when you're working, but you can still write.

    This summer my hours are significantly reduced, so I'm doing the same thing, trying to treat writing like my job because I'm not working much at my real job.

    Good luck!

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  4. I used to sit next to a wonderful man in the staffroom at the school where I used to teach and he was a substitute teacher. He was in the English dept with me and he was also writing his first book. That was 7 years ago. My son is now reading his 4th book as a compulsory class text.

    Here is some info about him from Wikipedia.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Gerard_Bauer

    Don't give up on your dreams!

    Best wishes,
    Natasha.

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  5. Whew! I think sometimes dreams are what keep us going when the reality gets too...hard, boring, unending, whatever, so don't give up the dream. I graduated h/s in 1983. I still think about my 9th and 11th grade Eng. teachers. They made an impact on me, challenged me. You've done that, and in today's world, a very big deal. I agree with KarenG-that girl, who obviously loves your work, is your demographic and you should write for her. Are there any magazines that are geared toward her age group that you could do really short stuff for? (Exposure) And, you may already have an untapped fan base; could you use that? You really have a way with words...aka: talent. Don't give up!

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  6. @ Suzie, thank you. I'll check it out.

    @ KarenG, I sent you an e-mail to thank you for this comment. I will write for her.

    @ Aubrie, that's good to hear. At first I was reluctant, but it makes perfect sense to get her feedback.

    @ Natasha, what a wonderful story. Thanks for sharing it with me. And the link.

    @ The Words Crafter, I haven't tried to submit anything to magazines since I got better at writing. It feels like I'd be distracting myself from the bigger projects. But it's something to consider.

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  7. It's obvious to me that you're a teacher who reaches the hearts of her students. That's my favorite kind! I know you don't like compliments, Theresa, but you are awesome. You are a real writer and a real teacher, and I admire both accomplishments.

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  8. It sounds like you made quite a positive impact with those students. Nicely done.

    Also, best wishes with your certification.

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  9. Wow, what better praise than someone asking to read your entire manuscript? Be sure to mkention that to an agent! ; D

    You're definitely in a quandary, and I wish I had the perfect advice... But good luck on trying to find the time! You'll come up with something!

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  10. It doesn't matter what the job is, we all face this dilemma in one form or another. We need a job to get us through, but it'd be so much easier (convenient, better) if we could just write.

    I'm sure it will all work out!

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  11. It sounds like the students really love you! That's so important, because believe me, I have three kids and they can be difficult to win over. I don't know what the answers to your questions are, but I'm sure you'll find them!

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  12. This just proves you are so super talented as a teacher and a writer and they are not mutually exclusive!

    I hope you get the balance - only you can get the balance of being both. I hope these two aspects of you get married and never divorce because you are both! :-) Maybe even have a pre-nup agreement!!

    GOOD LUCK Theresa Milstein!!! Methinks your summer to come is going to be amazing!!!

    Take care
    x

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  13. I think its amazing that a student had great reactions for your work. If she loved your writing then I know others will. A teen reader is like gold.
    My cousin reads my stuff and she's brutal (but honest) with me. I love her even more for it. :)

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  14. @ Roxy, thank you for the compliments. Every time I go to this school and see this class, I feel sorry for myself.

    @ Slamdunk, thanks. Now I have to find out what's required for this certification. I think it's a lot of work.

    @ Amanda, I'll be sure to say my students love it, my children love it, my mother loves it, my cat loves it. What agent wouldn't be wowed by that?!

    @ Vicki, you're right. I'm not alone with a struggle to make time to write, so I should stop feeling sorry for myself.

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  15. @ Susan, some students are easy to win over. Each and every kid in this class was dream, even the ones who had problems paying attention or not handing in homework.

    @ Old Kitty, balance always seems elusive, doesn't it? I'm not wasting this summer.

    @ Lindsday aka Isabella, I'm going to have this former student give me feedback this time. I agree that having readers in the targeted age group is like gold.

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  16. Theresa, I think the girl wanting to read your writing is a huge compliment.
    That age group are the toughest critics as they dont soften the blow, and my daughter loved your extracts too. Focus on that huge positive and you are almost there.

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  17. I hear you on the teacher opportunities. My daughter is a sub looking for a permanent position at the secondary level. Here, they get from 180 - 200 applications for each opening. The competition is fierce. P.S. The subs work on an automated system here, which works out fine. It also allows the sub to periodically go into the system during the day to peruse any openings and choose.

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  18. @ Brigid, thanks for the supportive comment. It's an ego-boost if my intended audience like it. Now I have to convince an agent and publisher of the same!

    @ Joanne, thanks for telling me about your daughter. It's the same here with the # of applications. And I know someone who subbed for two years after being a stay-at-home mom before she could find a job. It's still a bruise to my ego. And my insecurities creep in.

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  19. Life is funny. It is all about balance and a big juggling act. We are all performers trying to make it right. Good Luck with it all!

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  20. It may feel like you have to choose one over the other right now - but once you settle in, you'll find the time for both. Trust me, if your passionate for both, you'll find a way to incorporate both into your life.

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  21. @ Choices, life is about balance, but it's nearly impossible to do as my pile of laundry suggests.

    @ Jaydee, you're right. I have to incorporate both, and hope that someday I'll have the luxury to write full-time.

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  22. I'm sorry you're job search has been frusterating! Honestly I don't feel like my writing takes away from my 'jobS' nor do my jobs suffer from my writing. Each have their own little corner of my life. Mother. Wife. Teacher. Writer. It is a balancing act I suppose. But also a pyramid of priorities. Writing is what I LOVE to do and I dedicate as much time as I can to it and don't feel guilty if that's not much.

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  23. @ Creepy Query Girl, if it's important, I make time for it. But it's nice to have more time. The other day, I wistfully mentioned to my husband that my ideal day would be to write for several hours in the morning, exercise, and then make a more elaborate (than I can now) dinner in the afternoon/evening.

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  24. I think that any school would be lucky to have you as a teacher. And I think that the fact that you keep trying and that you keep subbing shows how devoted you are to teaching.
    We're all rooting for you! And those students at that school sound really nice, especially that girl who read your work.

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  25. @ Neurotic Workaholic, thank your for the uplifting comment. Three more days of subbing, and then I hope to cheer up.

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  26. How amazing that you have had a chance to test out your writing with your target market - and it passed with flying colours! You are obviously a good teacher and writer, and that's something I know from experience is *so* hard to do.

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  27. @ Talli, you should see the girl's note back to me when I e-mail her. She's so excited. And I'm excited she's reading my work and giving me feedback.

    If I can't get paid for writing, hopefully I get to really teach again soon.

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  28. Good luck Theresa! While I was at school I had one teacher who published a novel and two more who published poetry collections.... all while they were working full-time...
    It can be done!

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  29. The best writers are also brilliant teachers, they inspire and educate, I've been to workshops where the published writers have left me cold, confused.. and then there are the writers who fill me with enthusiasm and I run from the class wanting to write. I don't think its a coincidence that the writer who set me on this writing journey was a also a teacher for twenty years. This world we live in separates who we are into boxes as if talents are separate and cut off from each other. Nowadays in the catholic church for exampe there is a job for each saint, lost causes - jude. But in more pagan and fluid times saints/godessess multi tasked - Brigid, for example, was goddess of fire, metalwork and poetry. In a very long winded and round about way I'm trying to say that as a talented woman, you can have more than one calling, and I think your callings are linked and that through your hard work and dedication they will come together, the teacher and the writer, you can be both, you are both. There's always the struggle and fighting for balance, I identify with that,
    "I should seek more work/but I need the time to write. But what if I let work opportunities pass to write a book that never gets published?"
    I've just come from Talli's blog, who wrote six books before publication, and KarenG's who talks about being in this for the long haul... the message I'm getting is that I should always make time for writing, but it has to be sustainable, and if your dream is of your own desk, go for that desk, it doesnt mean you wont write your books. One of Irelands best poets is still a full time accountant.

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  30. I have nothing original to add.
    The number of full time authors who support themselves entirely through their writing is ridiculously low. Most authors have other sources of income. And many of the big names worked a day job for many years before breaking through.

    Talent, practice, and patience... Will surely get you through on the writing front.
    And you're taking steps on the teaching front.
    Gambatte!

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  31. You have gained so much valuable experience in your diverse classrooms and the students see you have a lot to give.

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  32. I have to say that I believe that you can be both a teacher and a writer and do both things well. Everyone is different, and I think that you can balance two different careers if that's the decision you make. I wish you luck with both the teaching and the writing.

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  33. @ Hampshireflyer, it's good to hear stories like that. I feel stretched now, and can't imagine planning and grading full-time on top of it. It took a bit of time when I was in charge of two subjects. But I have to make the time.

    @ Words A Day, thank you for such an inspirational comment. I'll keep these kinds of stories in mind when I'm worried I can do it all.

    @ Alesa, it's true, most people don't get to quit their day jobs, at least not at first. I have to stop dwelling on the bloggers I know aren't working at anything other than writing.

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  34. @ Paul C, when I'm with those former students I remember how much I love teaching.

    @ Alissa, I guess I have be more positive. Normally I am, but once in awhile I have a crisis of confidence.

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  35. That means:

    1- You are a great teacher
    2- There´s a market for your book.

    So don´t give up! Better times will come!

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  36. For being such an all-around awesome blogger, I've got an award for you at my blog! :D

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  37. Theresa, absolutely if one of your students wants to read the ms, that is truly a great sign!
    And it must be so hard to balance writing with teaching. I can't imagine facing kids everyday and then returning home to slot in some writing, keep at it though!

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  38. @ Clara, thank you. I have a market of one & hope to get more readers from there! Seriously, she's a smart girl and voracious reader, and I asked her for comments.

    Maybe I'll get a high school job and get to teach some of those students again in a few years.

    @ Amanda, thank you for the award.

    @ Olive, if I love both, I can balance both. Now for a teaching job...

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  39. @ Clara, thank you. I have a market of one & hope to get more readers from there! Seriously, she's a smart girl and voracious reader, and I asked her for comments.

    Maybe I'll get a high school job and get to teach some of those students again in a few years.

    @ Amanda, thank you for the award.

    @ Olive, if I love both, I can balance both. Now for a teaching job...

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  40. Aw, thats so great that students are so interested in listening to, and hugging their teachers! Also its so great to get feedback from the YA that you are writing, that student who wants read your MS is a great sign/source. Happy writing and happy Friday! :)

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  41. @ Talei, thanks. Same to you on both counts.

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  42. You already have a fan--that's great!

    I hate wanting to do everything and not having enough time/energy/whathaveyou to do it all. It makes you feel like you're missing out on something. My mom always has to tell me this: you can't do EVERYTHING, Tiffany. But luckily, I don't think either career is hindering you from either one. Right now, writing is taking a forefront and when you find a teaching job, that will take it's place. But if you have the heart for both, I don't think you're missing out on anything by doing them both :)

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  43. @ Tiffany, hi. Glad you're back. Teaching and writing do seem to go together, don't they? Then there's parenting, chores, errands, cooking....

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  44. This was a great post. Good luck in your upcoming choice. It's fantastic that you'll always know you made a difference with that class. Also it's a good sign the young girl s so excited about your manuscript!

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  45. I think teaching and writing are pretty complimentary.
    Plus regular summer breaks are something you don't get in any other occupation.

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  46. @ Lani, thanks. I hope I have as productive of a summer as I have planned.

    @ Al, the summer breaks are an awesome perk of teaching. I agree, teaching and writing are complimentary.

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